Kayleigh's reality - I feel like i fail as a mum and beat myself up constantly

My name is Kayleigh. I’m a mum of 7. I am on universal credit. The two-child limit and benefit cap are hitting my family hard.    

I moved to Universal Credit (UC) at the same time the benefit cap came in and it has been a major struggle. Because of the benefit cap, I lost around £300 - £400 a fortnight.    

I applied for UC by myself. It was very complicated. They didn’t tell me I was entitled to an advance when I first signed up. I found out from a friend so applied for it.  But since I got the amount before the cap applied, I had to pay back a lot more in debt.   

A few years ago, before I had my youngest I was working. I got 16 hours a week, and it was ok. I had a little bit more money, but once tax and National Insurance taken, it wasn’t an awful lot.   

Even when I had a job, the job centre said I had to come for appointments. I got sanctioned, as I a missed an appointment when I had work. I told them I couldn’t come because I would be at work, but I still got sanctioned. It was a struggle.  I still had money from my job, but it was not a lot.   

It is always a struggle. For example, kids ask for stuff as they want things. I have to start planning for birthdays and Christmas in January to make money last, to put a bit aside to get stuff. Kids also grow fast so they need clothes which I can't get for them.   

Every month I have to decide: do I put gas and electric on, or do I do a food shop? What can I miss?  I’ve been to a food bank a few times. My friend Gaia and me pool our food before we get our next payments so we can feed our kids. I often borrow to get by. I don’t eat so my kids can. I feel like I fail as a mum and beat myself up constantly on top of daily mum guilt. It stresses you out really badly.  

I am grateful for the support I get but with the cost of living everything has gone up and you get less food in a packet for the same price, so it is hard to live on.